I’ve stopped drinking the Kool-Aid.
I’ve taken off the rose colored glasses.
Everything seems different. The world is a strange new place. I don’t know how to stand in it yet, how to be in it yet.
A perfect storm of events turned all I knew upside down. It came, as it always does, in three.
– A blood panel revealed I was pre-diabetic with markers for a heart attack. My father died from one fifteen years ago.
– I also maxed out three credit cards and was seriously contemplating getting a fourth. My debt was what I thought about first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I had not told my husband how bad it really was. I dreaded checking my bank account, opening my statements, and still I spent.
– The very same day I got the results from the blood work I heard Sera Beak speak on a telesummit. She is a young theologian, author of ‘Red Hot and Holy.’ The topic: the co-opting of the Divine Feminine, the Goddess – into a commodity. And that she, even with the best of intentions, had fallen prey to the ‘system’ (as she called it), and betrayed her soul to feed her ego.
That afternoon, I listened to her speak. And then I listened again. I could feel in my body what resonated. She spoke of living an organic Life – one that is in tune with Nature. She spoke of rigorously questioning and challenging everything, especially when it came to business, to make sure she was in complete alignment. And she spoke of her Soul, her Beloved, her Lady, who was her ultimate guide, guardian, source.
And as I listened, I could feel the cracks growing, see the huge disconnect between what I believed to be my path and what was actually my life. I took off my glasses and saw then, the ugly beautiful reality.
- How I drove myself, almost to a frenzy: networking, marketing, calling, speaking. Signing up for coaching and seminars. Paying others so much money, hoping they had the magic answer to get me to that ‘six-figure’ income. They all promised they could – if I just did what they told me to.
- How, as much as I believed in purpose and creativity, I had bought in to the formulas, the prescriptions to get people to sign up. Painfully recognizing that in my need to ‘build my business,’ I sometimes looked at people as an opportunity, a sale. Not always, not even often, but enough.
- How I had been lying to my husband about how things were going. Then I would sneak into my office with my credit card as I signed up for yet another program, yet another coaching session. Grabbing the mail when it arrived so that he didn’t accidentally open up one of my statements.
- And how, in the great seeking of success, I had allowed everything else to take second place – my health, my relationships, my trust in myself. I was paying a lot of people a lot of money to tell me how to live my life better: “…with purpose and abundance and clarity and prosperity ….” You know.
So, Humpty Dumpty came crashing down, and I am wading thru the rubble. Not sure what to do with a website I spent a fortune creating. Not sure what to say when people ask me what I do. Not sure what my business –if it is even a business – looks like.
So, it has been a process, a slow re-building from the ground up, the inside out. One thing I knew was that I had to be at the ocean, listening to the waves, singing, praying, asking for guidance. And when the ripples came, the impulses came, I followed. I am still following.
It meant cancelling a one-day workshop in June.It has been getting off of email lists that spout formulas to success, sexy secrets, top ten tips.It was telling my husband the truth. Painful, embarrassing, essential.It was taking the time to nourish and care for my bodyIt is being willing to be patient with the answers; accepting that I will not be building a six figure business in six months.It is being exquisitely careful about any mentor or program I say yes to.It is taking the time and trusting that I want to be sweet water clear on what I love doing, why I love doing it, and how I want to be doing it, so that I can answer my calling.
In hindsight – it was a perfect storm. It was what I needed to shake things up, to put things back into perspective. It was what I needed to come back to myself as my ultimate guide. It was what I needed to re-calibrate and begin again – in a new way, in a different way, in my way.
So as I move gently back out into the world as a woman with a calling, here is what I know:
I believe in creativity – it is how we touch the divine.
I love the Earth – it is how we connect with life.
I love the process of working with women to explore and express themselves:
As they discover what lies beneath the surface and reveal it in a way that is uniquely theirs.
As they accept and welcome both their beauty and their darkness – for in the marriage of the two we become whole.
I was born to a family of artists. I was called to work with the Earth. I am here to bind the two.
[…] has been three months since I stopped drinking the Kool Aid. Three months since I took myself off the email lists, cancelled programs, stopped networking, […]
Marianne,
I am so happy you posted this very personal journey and revelation. What courage you have! THANK YOU for your words and for your story. I can relate to all of it and I am sending you so much love and light as you create your life now – from this fresh empowered place! Much love, Paige
Paige,
thanks so much for your support. It has definitely been a journey, and the lessons keep on unfolding. But then I am also grateful for those moments of grace. We don’t appreciate the warmth unless we’ve been cold…
Oh, Marianne, I can so relate! I’ve been going the exact same thing 🙂 After many years of doing internet marketing, creating websites for others, developing social media programs, courses, training, etc. – and, yes, I bought into god knows how many courses, coaching, etc. that just lightened my wallet – my heart told me about 3 weeks I needed to let all of this go because I was just doing it for the money (although I really wasn’t and haven’t made all that much).
Gasp, shock! I had bought into others’ “dreams” for me and I finally looked inside, deep into my soul, and found out I’ve been hiding from myself for years. I finally had to acknowledge that to myself.
The scariest part is opening my hand and letting it all go knowing that God, the universe will lead me to the right path.
If I can help you in any way, let me know. God bless and have an amazing day!
Sharon,
thank you for that heartfelt response. When I first sent this blog out to just my mailing list I was blown a way by the number of folks this resonated with. It feels quite ‘underground’ – what nobody wants us to know about. I would love to connect further. Hear about how you are finding your way.
thank you again. And kudos to you for trusting your own inner light.
Marianne, this is such a beautifully, rich blog. I so appreciate and respect your courage to be raw and vulnerable, and share with us your journey. I love the way you are taking time for yourself and spending time by the ocean, loving the Earth, letting her love you, and getting the nourishment you need by telling the truth and opening more deeply to your true nature. I send you love and prayer on this journey. I certainly relate to many elements of it. “As they accept and welcome both their beauty and their darkness – for in the marriage of the two we become whole.” And so it is.
Thank you for that. I am so blessed to have you in my life – what a path I have walked with you since I first scoffed at the goddess those years ago. To you I wish much joy and love. may you live your heart’s desire.
Marianne, Thank you for being so raw and open. Crisis must come before the transformation and I know you are still walking gently in the newness of it all. And anyone who says it can be easy is lying to themselves. It takes guts, grit and courage to begin to see things as they are, the games we play and the lies we tell ourselves and others. This is just the beginning. However, the good news is it didn’t kill you and you found that out. You are Grace in motion. I adore you and love you.
Carol, thank you so much for your on going support and great words of wisdom. Sometimes I still get so caught up in my frustration and still wanting all the answers now, I forget. The lessons we just keep on learning.
All my love to you as well.
Hi Marianne,
What courage it took to be open and vulnerable to the world. Being open like this is sometimes the best way to break through what’s holding you back because it helps you to be accountable. Love the story and the raw truth.
Stories like this is what helps other people break through as well if they’re struggling with something similar. Thanks for sharing!!
Thank you so much for your feedback. Months later I can definitely look at it with a little more distance. And I am still trying to figure things out, finding my way (or maybe accepting where I am and continuing to ask for guidance).
all my best to you on your journey!
OMG! You are telling MY story! Thank you sooooo much Marianne, for your absolute honesty and your courage for being so vulnerable in public.! I feel you are expressing the feelings of so many of us, women entrepreneurs at this time. You spoke your truth, and it’s not only setting you free, but all of us as well. Thank you for the inspiration! I feel I need some public confessing too. Much love!
Sirena
Confess away! I have discovered there is so much power in the secrets – once we let it rip there is nothing to work so hard to hold on to.
And I truly believe everything happens for a purpose – we are never ‘not on the path.’ To your journey – may it bring you your heart’s desire.
thank you for writing this. I have been wanting to blog about this very topic for a while… and it would be much grittier! I have definitely whittled away at my nest egg and am now done. very picky about who I choose to work with. two of the best coaches I have ever had are extremelyy reasonable. so it just goes to show… thank you for your courage.
Thank you for reading it. And I would tell you – write your grittier version. It is such a great purging. And then share it. Let me know – I’d love to read it.
all my best to you on your journey – and finding the support and care you need without going bankrupt (or signing up for a program you don’t even finish…)
Dear Marianne.
How very brave of you to share this. I ‘m sorry that it cost you some much money and heartache to get to get to your truth.
But I believe that this is the beginning of your true success. I wouldn’t be surprised if you did create a six figure business. But it will not be by following someone else’s formula.
Your post was very reassuring to me. For a very long time I have felt turned off by the barrage of systems and formulas for success.
I feel that a big part of what’s happening on the planet, the return to ways of the divine feminine, is about turning inward to our own authority and leadership.
All these rules of “how to do it” are of the masculine paradigm. When we are willing to sit with the uncertainty, grapple with our fears of not knowing we create an empty vessel and are open to receiving divine guidance from our higher selves, that is when we have something authentic to offer the world.
It may not follow a logical sequence or guarantee results. But when we allow our truth to bubble up from our soul and share the gifts of our hearts, THE WAY is revealed.
Here’s to you finding YOUR WAY. May it be a joyful,heart-centered journey that feeds your soul.
Much love,
Wendi
You are so right. And how easy it is to fall back into the pattern that someone else knows what’s better. Unfortunately, we too often want the immediate gratification and I so paid the price (and such was my lesson). But on the other side, a richer, deeper understanding of what I do. The choices I make are intentional and as they say, where ever we are is perfect.
All my love and support to you on your journey. Fly free, little dragonfly!
Wow, Marianne, your words just cut right through to my heart. Taking the time find our authentic place in this churn of a world– like swimming through a depleted reservoir, as you capture so beautifully in that photo. Sweet rain will come again, friend, and we will all bask in it, dance in it, welcome it, and never take it for granted again. I feel like so many others I know are also taking stock and resting up for the great work to come. You are amazing.
[…] As I’d mentioned earlier, with the beginning of the New Year came a renewed desire to bring some of my writings to life on stage. Two years prior, I first conceived of “Skins I Have Worn,” as a performance piece that would incorporate my writings a la “Vagina Monologues,” along with dance. Then I took a big detour, started a new business, Speak Your Passion, and, as they say, lost my way. […]