I stared at a blank calendar, and it was a bit overwhelming. What would I DO with all this time? After years of filling it with meetings and classes and appointments, it sat there, empty.
At the end of last year, I said goodbye to my 20-year career as a landscape designer and educator. There were many reasons, but the most important was I was no longer curious or excited about the work. So, I left.
But what to do next? I wasn’t ready to retire, I just wanted something different. The challenge was that leaving the working world was a bit like going from the freeway to a school zone.
Though they say we are human beings not human doers, that is not how we are raised. In fact, we are praised for being multitaskers, able to ‘do’ on multiple levels. We pride ourselves on how ‘busy’ we are. Our busyness is a sign of accomplishment, importance, purpose, popularity.
Who was I if I wasn’t working?
Some mornings I woke up anxious. Found myself staying up later, so I would get up later, so the days would be shorter. It made for an easy excuse to turn on the television or grab a book, escape for a bit.
The panic rose. Did I make a mistake? Should I have stayed? Should I have waited for something new before I leaped? My goodness, was this what my next 30 years would look like?
Pause. Breathe. Remember.
I remembered then, those weeks and months after my husband died. What I leaned into when I found myself untethered with no idea how to move forward. My identity as wife no longer applicable.
I journaled, danced at the ocean, and prayed to my sweet soul song to answer, “What do I do next?”
Though that time was incomparable to this, the wisdom was similar as I heard her whisper on the wind, “One step at a time, love. Follow your heart. Follow your impulses, follow the bubbles. Be patient and trust.”
So, I began to say yes. Yes, to the things that lit me up, big and small. Things I had never tried before.
Yes, to a square-dancing class where I was possibly the youngest person there. But folks were warm and welcoming, and it was certainly a workout both for body and brain.
Yes, to Sacred Body: A Return to Self. Which explored our relationship with our bodies and included a retreat to Mexico!
Yes, to WriteGirl, a non-profit which mentors teenage girls who want to be writers. It felt good to be able to give back to someone else.
Yes, to taking piano lessons for the first time. Hard, but so good.
And yes, to the quiet, to the garden, to the ocean.
Because the quiet is where we can hear the whispers of our own dreams, our own longings. We can feel the connection with life, with the mystery.
***
There are still days when I wonder what I will do with the rest of my life. Am I doing enough? There is so much going on in the world. I question my purpose in this great resistance, re-forming, of what is happening in our country, on our planet. How do I make a difference for good?
I don’t have the answers yet, so I remember to breathe, and trust. Trust and breathe. Believing that things will continue to show up as they have so far. Trusting my heart will sing with what resonates. Knowing the path I am meant to walk will make itself ever more clear.