Beyond Unraveling

It is beyond unraveling. It is a twirly top after the string has been pulled. The tower card in Tarot where it all comes tumbling down.  

It is a profound grief and regret at choices made, or not made. And how much was buried in the process. 

Fury at parents who didn’t know. “We just didn’t know.” 

Anger and grief at what I accepted, agreed to, even invited, as I tried, again and again, to feel I belonged. Old patterns created when I was young. Not knowing any differently. Feeling my way into what provided praise and acceptance.

Scrunching and supplicating and squeezing. And always wondering, “Will I fit now? Will I be accepted now? Will you love me now? If I shift like this, or say that, or don’t say that, will I finally belong now?” 

I am at a loss as to how to acknowledge this long-denied aspect of myself. As if the room is too small. Not knowing how to ‘be’ anymore. No longer sure of who I am.

Old patterns and voices reach out. 

Here, come find comfort. 
Here, come find safety. 
Here, you fit. You fit here.

Rage is not a feeling I allow myself. 

Grief I can do, have done. Oceans and oceans of grief, sorrow, sadness. But the other? The hot fury, burning, roaring rage. That I am not accustomed to. That is quickly squelched.

I want to take this roaring ball of fire and smother it under a mattress.

Except it is a wildfire set loose on old wood. It burns fast and hot. 
It roars: Tear it down. Break it up. Change it all. 
I could easily take it to the ground.

However, though the experience is terrifying, this loss of control, I discover a certain clarity in the wake of the burning.

Relationships I have held on to no longer fulfill me. 
The endless walks in someone else’s shadow.
My sense of responsibility about dropped balls and bucks stopping.

Those are no longer my stories; those are no longer my burden to carry.

In the weeks that follow, I shift through the ashes, the drifting smoke. I find there is a new lightness, a new awareness.

My broadband has gotten wider. I surprise myself with what I say, what I do.

I see a glimmer of what it is to let my light shine a little brighter. Surprised at what happens, the magic that glitters.

In the ashes, I come to understand the rage for what was denied. But I also acknowledge the beauty of the gifts I did claim. Honoring the life I have lived. It was not in vain; it was not wasted.

Slowly, I come to forgiveness and compassion for who I was on this journey and all I did learn. I could not have gotten here in any other way.

There are things I’m viewing in the rear-view mirror now. Scary, because I don’t know what lies ahead. But also exhilarating. It is time for the integration, the welcoming home of all aspects of myself.

This year I called in adventure, mystery, the unknown, change. I called in change

Be careful what you wish for, it might just set you free.

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