Am I Too Old To Start Again?

At long last, I finally understand the next step of my journey as I transition away from landscape design: I love helping people step into their full glory by creating presentations that inspire action and reflect who they truly are.  Yahoo – done!

I started off this new undertaking with a bang.  I had finally figured it out after months, if not years, of agonizing.  It had come together in great part because of my amazing coach Christina Dunbar and a seminar I had recently attended with Ted McGrath.  Finally, I had clarity, I knew what I wanted to do, and even how to do it.  I was a gal on fire.

And then we know what happens… In a thousand ways we begin to falter, the mission doesn’t burn quite as brightly, and the door widens for doubt and fear to creep (or barge) in.

So last night, I found myself talking to my husband  about this new venture, and how I absolutely had to launch in November.  I needed to set a date so that I had a deadline to work towards, so I wouldn’t lose momentum, so I could force myself into action (ouch).  All I can say is ‘thank god’ for those who love us, because the question he asked me next was, ‘but why the urgency?’

I tried to explain: because the holidays were right around the corner, because this has been a calling for so long now, and because, dammit, I needed the income.  And he asked again, ‘but why the urgency?’ Why couldn’t it wait until January so that I had time to market this new undertaking, to explore my new brand, to create the connections, to build the tribe?

And then it hit me, like a large sad wave.  Because I felt I was running out of time.  Somewhere along the way, I had drawn a line in my life and at 51, I was now on the other side of it; it was all downhill from here.  I no longer had my whole life to figure it out, to make something of myself, to live up to my true potential.  The sands of time were running out.

But then my husband, with the gentlest of words, reminded me of the life I have lived, the family I have raised, the places I have visited, the people I have touched, the other parts of my life that are also worthy of notice and pride.  And that there was indeed time to do whatever else I yearned to do.

In retrospect, it is interesting to notice that I have had this panic before – that I was getting too old.  I felt it at 25 when I ended a relationship right before the wedding.  I felt it at 35 when I was frustrated I hadn’t ‘made it,’ yet.  I felt it again at 40 when I decided to go back to school.  So perhaps what I need to recognize is that this fear comes up right before big, quaking in your boots, changes.  It is my ‘go to’ place when I get scared.

So, this morning I woke up, feeling much calmer.  Something shifted during the night.  I decided to change my attitude.  I decided to keep that date with destiny – November 1 to launch, with this caveat.  November 1 is simply a date – not a drop dead, deadline.  It is a goal, a friend waiting for me at the café.  I want to reach that milestone in joy and excitement, not panic and desperateness.

• And quite possibly not everything will be perfect.
• And quite possibly I won’t have nailed my branding.
• And quite possibly, I’ll cringe at the glitches.
• And quite possibly, if worse comes to absolute worse, no one will opt to work with me.

And that will be ok.

Because the next day or next week, I’ll celebrate that I had the friggin guts to give it a shot.  Then I’ll take a step back, re-evaluate, make some changes, and go out and do it again.

And here is what I’ve learned, you are never too old to do what you love.