It is happening, moving into being. Shifting from a figment of my imagination to tangible actresses speaking words, music being explored, a choreographer coming aboard to blend in the dance. Holy cow, mama!
This past Saturday four brave actresses who said yes to this project gathered for the first time to read the script in it’s entirety. We sat in a circle in the living room as one by one they took turns reading the pieces. At the end of the evening as the last one left I sat on the couch and wondered… Why am I not feeling exhilarated tonight? Why am I not leaping for joy at what is manifesting … Why am I feeling so numb?
What settled this morning is that what I was in fact feeling was a profound sadness?
True – I celebrate the huge daring it is taking to do this: to write it, produce it, direct it, strip my soul bare and reveal her. But what I don’t know is if I truly acknowledged the depth of the places I am plumbing – not just my story, but the other women’s stories that have floated up through the mud. I don’t know if I truly recognized the tremendous grief and sorrow that I am containing and transforming through the great alchemy that is Art.
Even as I write about courage, resilience and hope, I realize I must also look at acceptance and forgiveness. I must look at the vast spectrum that is all of our emotions.
This morning as I listen to the rain, I recall one of the lines from the piece:
“Stay steady M. as the earth shakes and your boots quake. Stay steady.”
My actresses come tonight for our second rehearsal. The moon is moving back out into the skies. The rain is quieting. We begin again.